The Gift of Good Character: An Early Start

Let’s assume that if you read the earlier blog on character, you agree with the premise that the best gift you can give your children in life is good character. If so, let’s take a look at all the features included in giving this gift.

I would like to start with an enlightening conversation I had 10 years ago with a father who was exploring private school options for his son. In my tiny, unassuming, makeshift office, as I explained that Birchwood School is organized to help children develop achievement ethics, that is, the habits and attitudes that will lead to a productive and fulfilling life, the well-educated and professionally accomplished father dismissively interrupted my description affirming, “Oh, he’ll get that hard-work, self-discipline, and diligence stuff when he is older. Maybe in high school or college. I just want him to have a happy childhood.”

I smiled and pleasantly answered, “Sure, sure,” and then walked him to the door while expressing my best wishes that he would, “find the right private school for his child.” After he left, I just sat down and shook my head thinking, “How typical. How sad. How wrong. You have to start early! History says so. Research says so. Then how on earth can such a successful, well-educated parent not know that habits are best formed at an early age?”

I was, and still am, very aware that this father’s perspective on childhood development mirrors that of many young parents. It reflects popular, cultural beliefs, but quite frankly, they are beliefs that fly in the face of history and research. They are naïve at best and harmful at worse.

Though perturbed, I was nevertheless sympathetic. After all, how many young parents have the time or educational background to study child development issues? In my lament I thought, “If they only knew the story of character development that cultural histories tell (both from West and East), and if they only knew what the last 60 years of cognitive and affective research on child development issues suggest, their entire view of character development – of how children can become happy, successful, productive, and socially responsible adults – would change.”

The fact of the matter is that when it comes to shaping achievement ethics – habits and attitudes toward work and social relationships – an early start is the best start. In fact, as I mentioned last month, most cultures and most research suggest that at least 80 percent of adult habits and attitudes are formed by the age of 15. Certainly, in adulthood, anyone through dedication and perseverance can break bad habits and forge new habits. Furthermore, sometimes circumstances in life force us to adapt to circumstances and build new habits. But the things we do habitually, spontaneously, without thought or reflection, have been in place since our early teen years.

Just for curiosity sake, let me give you a two-part assignment before the publication of the November Clipboard. First, collect some personal histories of people you know well and whom you consider role models for your children. Ask them specific questions about their childhood – family expectations, neighborhood and cultural expectations, school expectations, and extracurricular experiences and expectations. Next, using the same criteria of “role model,” ask an immigrant friend or a friend who is a second-generation American about the disciplinary organization of their childhood. Following these conversations, see if you can draw a correlation from childhood experiences and adult character.

In the next few months, I will share how various world cultures view character development and what contemporary research says about character development.

From the October 2015 Birchwood Clipboard